I can be anything
That you want me to be
A punching bag
A piece of string
That reminds you not to think

They found the note
down in your car
It’s not your fault it gets this hard

Hold your head high
Don’t look down
I’m by your side
I won't back down
You wanted a hero tonight
Well I’m not made of steel
But your secret’s safe with me

I can be anything
That you want me to be
A holy cross
Some sympathy
That reminds you how to bleed

They found the note down
in your car
You climbed up here to fall apart

They knock you down
I’ll pick you up
They laugh at you
I’ll shut them up

[iloveyousomuchithurtssometimes]

I'm writing this vanity card at six o'clock in the morning on October 18, 2007. It's my birthday. I am fifty-five years old. I have long ago become invisible to young women. They actually do not see me. But I am not writing this to complain. I am at peace with my circumstances. The blessing of fifty-five is a libido in decline. The curse of it is that major pharmaceutical companies are successfully exploiting my insecurities. Suddenly that surreal commercial of a silver-haired guy sitting naked in an outdoor bath tub and holding hands with a naked, slightly younger woman in an adjacent bath tub makes perfect sense (if I had produced that spot I would have given him a small plasma screen TV so he could watch ESPN in his hang time). I'm also mesmerized by the commercial featuring middle-aged men gleefully celebrating their ability to drink water and drive long distances (I particularly enjoy that the slightly younger women in that one are turned on knowing that their geezers don't have to urinate frequently). Anyway, it's my birthday today. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go suck on my bronchitis inhaler so that later today I can blow out the candles without hacking up a lung.

this is one of many exquisite vanity cards at the ends of The Big Bang Theory episodes. I picked up series (season) one the other day and I adore it. I also adore being able to pause and read said vanity cards.

There is a bruise in the middle of the back of my hand. Huh.

This is disgusting, sorry, but I fucking hurt so deal with it.

Somehow, back in October I got an ingrown toenail. It was disgusting as fuck and kinda hurt but nothing big girl me couldn't handle. I tried neosporin and other topical antibiotics to get rid of the resulting infection, but nothing stuck so a couple weeks ago, I went to see my doctor. he took one look at it, said it was beyond his expertise and recommended I see the podiatrist that comes into the office on Tuesdays and gave me a script for a different antibiotic.

I went to see Dr. Husain (the podiatrist) today and he saw my foot, knowing what had to be done and that was cutting it out.

He numbed my toe, which is now bruised for that reason, and waited for it to take effect. It took longer than it should have. Well, then I numb up fine and well, I lay back he gets to work. cuts out what he should, I'm not overly uncomfortable, but I assure you, it didn't feel pleasant. And then I bled like a stuck pig.

bled and bled and bled. It's what I do.

So he cauterizes it. with sticks. tipped in silver nitrate. this, by the way, will stain my toe black and make it appear to have some feral disease to it, so he assured me my toe would not fall off. Showed me what he meant while i still had a stick coming OUT OF MY TOE.
That and lack of eating so far probably led to what happened next.

I stood up once he was done and dressed it and everything (because even cauterization can't stop me WTF) I stand up, thinking "Oh god, I'm going to retch, if I move fast I can be to the waiting room without falling" Well... He stops me so I don't forget my paperwork for checking out and apparently turning was just too much. To quote my brilliance "Okay, feeling light headed now need to sit." as I fell forward grabbing the table bed thing. Smart, isn't it?

He tells me to lay down which I can just hear over the ringing in my ears and he's guiding me which I can barely see as I'm starting to black out. I had to maneuver myself to even get back up there cuz I'm losing motor skills. I just lay there breathing and he asked questions to keep me stable and as I heard myself answer, it was like I had my fingers in my ears. I heard everything in my self instead of through my ears. I was sweating and shaking and apparently white as a sheet. Needless to say, the pride in me was beyond embarrassed. I was supposed to be fine, goddammit. Not passing out from a doctor cutting out some offending skin and nail.

just laid for 10 minutes. I don't just lay breathing for 10 minutes in a doctor's office. I just don't.

Toe still numb but already sore, I call mom who nabs me on her way home. We get to the house and the most exciting bit of my story was almost konking out. we determine that I need to eat and it's st. patrick's day and eating out sounds like a grand idea. I get back into the car so I'm off my feet cuz i'm sore and right as mom gets into the car, my numb goes away.

Dear G-d, it was fucking excruciating. It was beyond excruciating. I might as well have been beaten right then.

I broke my no-painkillers rule. Thrice over now. Even with them, I hurt. I haven't hurt this bad since... fuck, I think since I broke my foot.

I can barely walk. I dropped a bag of pills on it and nearly screamed, putting it up does nothing and I sob whenever the slight ache gets worse.

I feel like a wimp and an asshole and a whiner about all this and I wish it'd just go away but I can't even ignore it. I can't even make it not hurt. My whole foot hurts and nothing's helping.

I just needed to vent.

[link]

Promise the link is safe.

When you get there, let me know it's you. I'll send oodles of hearts your way.

-t

EDIT: I'm done now.